Day 44 of Sobriety, and Day 1 of Heartbreak.

I keep wanting to yell ‘bastard!!!!’ into my phone. Over and over again. Every black truck that drives by, every motorcycle that rips down my alley all I can think is fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Yesterday NB walked out of my restaurant (and my life), for the last time.  This was unbeknownst to me, until after my meeting I checked my phone and noticed he was no longer available to text/call/whatever. His last words were “I’m a big boy, I can walk myself out’. After our intense love story, that is how I’ll remember his goodbye. Nothing more, nothing less.

I’m obsessively checking my email, Instagram, WhatsApp and so on. I can’t help it. I saw his truck parked out front of the restaurant this morning and started to hyperventilate. I welled up. I tried to see the license plate. I then watched somebody who wasn’t him drive off in it.

I keep thinking he’s going to show up at my house and apologize for being so abrupt.
I keep thinking that this can’t be fucking happening.

At least I haven’t considered drinking, right? I know I have to sit with this. I know I can’t drown it out with Jameson. But fuck, would I ever love to be able to. I have yet to be able to accurately describe the pain I’m in. Make it stop. Somebody. Please. I’m already going through so much change, why does this all have to happen now? This is not fucking fair.

I guess I should congratulate him on making a decision. Finally. Except it wasn’t me. He didn’t choose me. It’s over. Fuck Fuck FUCK.

It’s time to move on. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?

39 Days Sober! Ranting and Rambling.

The breakdown of my annoyances/anxieties/general ramblings are as follows,

Home Life: Roomie said something that really irked me about an hour ago while we were outside having a cigarette. She is having a similar kind of day and she is contemplating her future with work/love/Vancouver. She wants to move back to Ontario (which is where we left 3 years ago). I don’t know why it made me so annoyed. What, she wants to split up the cats? She wants to leave her best friend 4000km across the country? She thinks the grass is somehow greener over there? This is all probably because of the left behind feeling, right? Everyone is making plans without me. As they should, because people’s lives exist outside of me!! But here I am acting like a baby about it. Woe is me. Blahblahblah. On the positive side of things, she has been as supportive and present as her schedule has allowed her to be, and I do appreciate it a lot. Maybe I need to look at this all in a different light. I don’t want to treat her unfairly solely because my feelings are hurt. Something to explore further, I suppose.

Work Life: The GM at the restaurant quit recently, which opens up an opportunity for me to step in. All of my coworkers have asked me to take the position but I keep wondering if it’s something I want. Do I really need to tack on more responsibilities? I already do most of the work that she was supposed to be doing. Do I want to involve myself even more in the restaurant than I already am? I answer my phone 24/7 regardless of how determined I am to ignore work calls on my days off. Do I want to commit to another year at the same job? Am I settling? Am I constantly fighting the urge to just quit because I’m afraid of more responsibility? The owners return from their vacation this weekend, and we have a meeting scheduled for Tuesday… Guess I will have to decide how I feel about all this by then.

Love Life: I want to ask NB what the fuck he is going to do about all of this. I want to be able to make a plan for the next 6-12 months. I want to know if I’m beating a dead horse. Everyday I feel him opening up to the possibility of a future with me, but I don’t know if that’s false hope seducing me into complacency. Submitting to the situation. Saying something is changing even though we’re doing the same song and dance that we have been for some time now. Will he ever make a decision? I do know that it isn’t an easy one. I do know that if we decide to embark on this journey together, it will be no cake walk. We are in for a few years of rough waters. I have made my peace with that reality, because we are worth it. He is worth it. I keep telling myself I’ll stop waiting, but find myself doing it anyway. I’m not happy in limbo with him, but the future we could have is absolutely too wonderful and authentic to give up just because I’m being impatient. Uprooting his family is not something either of us desire to do, but being together means some tough choices have to be made. The quote that keeps resonating with me about this particular situation is ‘I don’t understand how you can be so worried about what might happen, when what might not happen, is so much worse’.
 
General: I feel a deep sense of unrest, clearly. There are plenty of things I could be doing around the house to alleviate some of this anxiety, but instead I’m sitting on my couch jittery from too much coffee and beating myself up for not having more to do. What a stupid cycle. I spent hours this week looking at the homepage for the Vancouver Agnostic AA. I saved both the locations, meeting times, etc. and yet I didn’t go. Guess it’s something I have to work up to. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. My immediate friend circle (including Roomie and NB) is leaving for the weekend. I’m stuck with my work week beginning tomorrow, and two adorable (and insanely annoying) 10 week old kittens. I don’t know how to stop feeling so muddled. I want to write but I don’t know where to start. I want to read but I can’t maintain concentration. I want to run but the thought of lacing up my runners is exhausting. I feel left behind, and this isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this. I can’t even get into a TV show, let alone sit down and watch a movie. So frustrated. So tired. So antsy. So few distractions. My head has been aching since I woke up and I feel drained, again. I guess the good news is, I don’t feel like drinking. I’m enjoying a cucumber mint sparkling lemonade which is quenching any thirst I could have. I wonder if this persistent low has anything to do with PAWS. I’ve felt out-of-body for the past 10 days, at the very least. I sincerely hope it goes away soon, whatever it may be. Guess I’ll just hope for the temporary insanity I’m feeling to disappear. Ack.