This. Fucking. Week.

Man oh man.

I’ve had my ass kicked a few times this year by Life. She can be a real cunt. When you’re certain you can’t possibly handle any more feels she will knock on your door with heartbreak and a bottle of Jameson and a tall dark stranger. She will test you and watch your edges fray while panic sets in and she will enjoy it (She will also try to kill one of your 6 month old kittens). So here I am, it’s my Saturday and I’ve survived This Week.

We almost lost one of our fuzzy idiots to acute kidney failure. Work was annoyingly busy and demanding. Miscommunications caused problems in every area of my life. I couldn’t sleep most nights, and on evenings that I did manage to get a few hours rest, I had assaulting vivid dreams. My stupid fucking less-than-a-year-old phone constantly dies if I remove it from the charge, so I missed important messages and calls. My body was sore from pushing it at work and pushing it on my evening runs. My appetite was non-existent from all the stress. My anxiety and depression have been playing hopscotch in my head every single day. An unexpected visit at work from NB’s partner caught me off guard and stirred up 500 things that I’ve been trying to handle internally for months and I just don’t fucking know how to deal with any of it. I feel burnt out and overstimulated so much so that our finicky front door lock reduced me to tears yesterday when I couldn’t jimmy it open on my first try. So yeah, that’s where I’m at. Needless to say, this week can kiss my ass.

But then there’s the other side to this messy life… Spock is now home and back to his old antics. Work being so crazy helped foot the bill for his vet care. I had some deep clarifying conversations with people that I respect and love and now feel closer to. My dreams brought up four or five things I hadn’t considered about my recovery and are encouraging me to think harder about the type of person I want to become, even though the idea makes me squirm. I will get a new phone soon because mine is still under warranty and is clearly a dud, but honestly I’ve enjoyed not hanging off of every ding and vibration. I’m running again and that means my smoke-free (47 days), alcohol-free (150 days) body is getting one step closer to being happy. My brain can’t always be my friend but I’m now able to fight back when it’s attacking me, which is something I never was able to do even 6 months ago. Uncomfortable situations continue teach me about myself and about the people around me and how much has changed in such a short amount of time. And yet my heart still really hurts and I’m even more lost. I get fucking angry when things are thrown at me and I can’t fix them or will them away with all the good intentions in the world. I am learning that the person I want to be is waiting patiently at the end of every awful day. The person I want to be realizes that the universe is not out to get her, but that sometimes it will feel that way. She is keeping her mouth shut instead of provoking needless confrontation. She is meditating in the mornings, instead of popping Advil and frantically searching through her phone to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid the night before. She is hurting for all the people affected by weeks like this one. She feels sorry for hurting anyone even if they aren’t the most savoury of people. She is hugging her close friends and missing the far away ones. She is reaching out to her family and telling them her story. She is so damn excited to be an Aunt, really REALLY soon. She is not changing her plans even though she wants to burrito in bed until things get easier. She is writing down cheesy inspirational things and posting them around her house to make her feel like a warrior. She is comfortable telling an entire group of co-workers/friends/regulars that if she doesn’t leave right this second, she will absolutely have a drink and that is not a fucking option.

This person is having a hard time with these things but is trying to do them anyway, because that’s what being brave is alllllll about, right? Doing the thing, even though your legs are shaking and you feel like you’re gonna puke and it sucks the goddamn breath right out of you. You don’t drink or smoke even though you’re furious that Life is fucking with you and you’re convinced you’ve earned the right to numb it out. You don’t lash out at the people around you because they are not the ones who made your decisions for you and they don’t fucking deserve it and somehow they love you in spite of all the shitty things you’ve done. You don’t bitch about the cost of saving your pet’s life because what would you prefer, having a healthy pet or commas in your bank account? You bite your tongue and count to ten and if you still feel like exploding, you continue to bite your tongue and count to twenty instead. If all else fails, yesterday taught me that taking a moment in the walk-in fridge at work does wonders with chilling insane overwhelming emotions. Sometimes you gotta take what you can get.

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Nothing To Report/Wah-Wah-Wah.

No epiphanies while trekking home from work. No ‘thank fuck I’m sober’ seconds while pouring beers for my friends. No ‘grateful for the pain’ moments. I’ve had a lot of shit running through my head and heart this week. I’ve had tidal waves of ‘oh fuck’s all day. That’s not the kind of emotion I’d like to be swimming in. But that’s what I got anyway, so I’m here to bitch about it because I feel god damned defeated by it.

I yelled at Y at work today. I signed out 2 hours before I realized I was still ‘finishing up’ the schedule. I sat with three people I quite enjoy and poured them beers while obsessing over my fight with Y, the schedule for Sept 11th-17th, and the fact that if I wasn’t careful I could just as easily pour myself a beer. I could even drink it. It’s not that I wanted a drink necessarily. I wasn’t even tempted, not really. It was that I could have been lost in my thoughts, poured a beer and sipped it without thinking twice. Something I have done many-a-times in that exact same seat. It was that I would probably sigh with relief after ‘accidentally’ doing so. I would probably say something like ‘oh man, what difference could one drink make’? And that would be the beginning of a dark chapter. Maybe (probably) the final chapter. One drink could turn into one night, one night into one week, and one week into one lifetime; however long it would last. I am certain of that. I despise that. Yet I know how easy it is to get back to that.

Those are the minutes that make me realize the addict is still very much awake in me. She’ll probably never go to sleep again. She’s got one eye open waiting for Sober Lana to give in and pass the fuck out. It’s horrifying to accept this, especially when I feel so good about the time I’ve clocked. Especially when I feel like I deserve a pat on the back. A ‘go me!’ day. Some recognition that staying clean/sober/honest will probably be my life’s work. Some acknowledgment of how terrifying and difficult and brave that undertaking is. But instead I get shitty demanding guests to placate and fawn over. I get the normally totally sweet regulars being pervy and weird. I get the support system I adore and rely on being cunty and unavailable. Such is life, friends, I had better get used to it, right?

Wrong. I can’t get used to the idea that I can never drink again. I can’t get used to how lucky I am I stopped when I did. I can’t get used to the fact that life dealt me a hand I don’t quite know how to play. I can’t get used to any of this. Not ever. I can’t get used to how much trust my bosses and co-workers have put in me to run the restaurant. I can’t get used to the outpouring of love and support I get from the community I’ve found myself in. I also can’t get used to the gaping hole in my chest that NB left. I can’t get used to the shocking cold of rejection and abandonment that washes over me whenever I’m reminded that what I once had will never be, again.

Maybe I’m not supposed to get used to any of this. It’s all supposed to sting like fifty-thousand tiny fucking paper cuts whenever it gets brought up, right? I’m supposed to cry every time I face the reality that things aren’t fair and nothing feels real or good or fine or welcoming, right? What am I supposed to be doing with all these internal WTFs? Somebody fucking tell me, cause I’m fed up. I wanted to have a life affirming chat with MD before she got shipped off to celebrity rehab and instead I got a superficial convo about her mink smoking jacket being hemmed (not kidding). I got my sister informing me not to tell any of the family about MD’s little ‘trip’. Sure, universe, whatever you think is relevant. I wanted to have a light work day that ended early and went by quickly and instead I got a day that passed like a visit to the fucking dentist. A day that ended 3 hours after it should have which meant that I missed my meeting (Sober Agnostics). I got home from my hell day feeling insecure and crying only to deal with SATAN’S KITTENS all bloody night. And to top it off, I can’t sleep. Alright, universe, whatever you fucking want. As long as this is how it’s supposed to be I’ll accept it. Wait a second, no, FUCK THAT. Fuck all of this.

Fuck today.
Fuck work.
Fuck beer.
Fuck MD.
Fuck NB.
Fuck the cats.
Fuck insomnia.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

You win, universe. Give me a fucking break now, kay?

123 Days

I am four months sober, as of this week. Aren’t you proud of me? I’m proud of myself, most of the time. Well, some of the time. Okay, so I was proud of myself for a few minutes and then felt like an ugly naked dying thing all over again. I’m also at 3 weeks without cigarettes, which I don’t seem to miss nearly as much as I thought I would. I guess giving up my two great loves (booze and Not-Boyfriend) made giving up a third no big deal. Anyhow, I’m a wreck. I don’t know what’s going on, or maybe I do? I just finished reading Augusten Burroughs’ memoir, Dry. Jeez Louise it’s a doozy! I cried like a little bitch. It got me thinking about NB, and about my mother, and about Roomie and Y and all these people who I love/hate/love, who saw me drunk and who saw me sober. It got me thinking about what inside me is really hurting. It got me thinking about AA and about sobriety toolboxes and about relapse. It got me to wake Spock and Squid from their post-neutering slumber and kiss them both with the stupid cones of shame still around their necks. I’m still congested from the tears. I don’t know how to articulate most of this so I’m going to write whatever comes up and see how it reads another day…

Mother Dearest is going to rehab. She is being admitted this coming Tuesday. This means she’ll be in treatment for her birthday, September 9th. There’s something wildly depressing with that realization. This is her first time doing anything of this sort. This is her first time speaking (somewhat) openly about her addiction. This is the first time I’ve ever felt any strong emotion other than hatred/resentment/disgust towards her. I feel like my sobriety may have impacted her decision. I wonder every day if that is a conceited and ugly thing to think. I ache for my dad to comfort me on my strange shaky days, although I’m sure he has his hands full with her, something he would never let on either way. I want to know MD, as a sober person (not just as a mom), but I also fear that she won’t be able to do this. I want her to feel all of the floaty feelings I felt in my first 90 days but also know that her struggle was lengthy and completely different from mine. I want her to have hope. I keep saying this to her, as if somehow it’ll magically make what’s about to happen less terrifying. I have no idea what’s about to happen to her insides, physically or emotionally. She’s been drunk every time I’ve spoken to her since she sent the email to us about her decision. I haven’t berated or ignored her, although that would have been my instinct before. I just listen and respond when necessary, in neither a good nor bad way. I want to know that she’ll get through this, and be better for it. Some hidden corner of my psyche worries that she’ll kill herself once she’s sober, realizing how much of her life has been wasted or how much damage drinking has done to herself and to us. She was always the drama queen of our family. I’m happy for her though, too. Quitting drinking has been the most transformative decision I’ve ever made, I know it will be for her as well, if she lets it.

I went out with that guy, the super fit one from work. 3 times. He’s sweet. We’ll call him M. He’s my age. He’s friendly. He’s honest. He’s single. We went to the art gallery had some lunch and then took his dog for a walk on our first date, went to a baseball game on our second, and went to the park on our third. He waited until the third to kiss me, and it was fine. I say fine with a solemn shrug. He’s so lovely and open and happy. It’s fucking creepy how happy he is. Like wakes-up-in-the-morning-smiling happy. Weird right? It’s refreshing, but I think I knew it would be the downfall of whatever went on between us, I’m quite certain (as of how I’ve felt for the past 48 hours) that nothing will continue from this point forward. Maybe not for any other reason than it being too soon. It’s too much. Too much pressure. Too much pretending that my heart isn’t in 1500 pieces. I went from finally finding some solid ground in my sobriety to realizing that introducing even one new thing/person/whatever could bring my recovery to a screeching halt. I looked at my sobriety clock(s) every single day this week, that can’t be a coincidence. I did it to remind myself of how far I’ve come and that one slip up will cost me so SO much. I’ve also looked up AA meetings in my area everyday since I gave him my number. Probably not a coincidence either, right? Also, let me be clear, none of this is on him. He isn’t a drinker or an enabler, nor has he done anything wrong. He’s wonderful, I’m just not ready. That’s all it comes down to.

I’m also kidding myself if I think I’ve done all the work necessary to heal the trauma from the end of the relationship with NB. I literally flinch when I think about him, I’d say that’s nowhere near ‘over it’. I bailed on some fancy dinner/date plans with M last night because I felt overwhelmed by the whole week and that made me certain that I’m going to have to tell him how I’m feeling and cut him off romantically. Now I understand why all the programs (12 steps or not) tell you no big life changes for your first year of sobriety. I mean, I still haven’t been to a meeting, but I keep reading about them! I do plan on going on Tuesday (how funny that it’s the same day MD is being carted off) to a Sober Agnostics meeting. I’m nervous but also looking forward to it in a way. I want to find my tribe. I’m beginning to understand the importance of having a support system.

I feel more connected than ever to Roomie, who is going through a mind fuck of a time too, so I’m trying my best to be present and available for her. I’m actually happy to drop what I’m doing to sit outside and listen attentively while she chain smokes through her life’s problems. Yesterday after I bailed on M’s mysterious fancy plans I felt like a total sack of shit and wanted nothing more than to lie on the couch and drink coffee and mope into my book. Instead I got sucked into the house cleaning party of 2017. We cleaned out our closets, literally. I threw over 50% of my wardrobe into a donation bin. Even some newer/much-loved items got tossed solely because just looking at them salted NB wounds. I scrubbed the bathroom from floor to ceiling with vinegar and bleach. I swept and mopped upstairs and vacuumed downstairs. I gave Roomie my ill-fitting and much hated dressers and vowed to shop for better ones this coming week. I washed my sheets, my towels, and all my dirty clothes. I purged everything that served no purpose to me. I purged the shit I’ve been holding on to that no longer does anything but make me fucking sad. Roomie did the same, all through which we drank non-alcoholic beers/many flavours of LaCroix, blasted stadium country and crappy dance music, and sweat through our ratty t-shirts. It was tiresome work but it felt fucking fantastic.

Here’s the short list of all the other things I’ve been doing that are really really helping me through the not-so-great days,

  • Therapy as much as possible, which is, at best, once a week.
  • Sleeping, as early or as late as I want.
  • Meditating, absolutely without a doubt every damn day.
  • Laughing, at myself and others, but in a nice way.
  • Hugging, everyone I love that is available.
  • Finishing my to-do list, even when I feel like being a hermit.
  • All the mani/pedis a girl can get, cause who doesn’t love pampering?
  • Quality coffee drinking, duh.
  • Quality pastry eating, double duh.
  • Kitsilano roaming/window shopping.
  • Clay face masking, every other day.
  • Purchasing upwards of 10 (kitten safe) plants, happily staying up too late repotting/rehoming.
  • Intense reading marathons.
  • Watching god awful movies with Roomie every Wednesday night.
  • Eating unapologetic amounts of whatever-the-fuck I-want. Coconut Bliss ice cream is like crack in this house.
  • Fancy tea buying/drinking.
  • Crossword/sudoku hoarding.
  • Lingerie buying.
  • Book ordering via Amazon Prime.
  • Instagramming.

Basically I just do whatever the fuck I feel like doing as long as it isn’t harmful to me or my sobriety. It’s foolproof in my worst spells of the blues. I’m exhausted and it’s bed time, but I wanted to check in and send my love and gratitude and awkward-and-weird-everything-is-nuts vibes out into the WordPress world. Be well, all of you xo

 

39 Days Sober! Ranting and Rambling.

The breakdown of my annoyances/anxieties/general ramblings are as follows,

Home Life: Roomie said something that really irked me about an hour ago while we were outside having a cigarette. She is having a similar kind of day and she is contemplating her future with work/love/Vancouver. She wants to move back to Ontario (which is where we left 3 years ago). I don’t know why it made me so annoyed. What, she wants to split up the cats? She wants to leave her best friend 4000km across the country? She thinks the grass is somehow greener over there? This is all probably because of the left behind feeling, right? Everyone is making plans without me. As they should, because people’s lives exist outside of me!! But here I am acting like a baby about it. Woe is me. Blahblahblah. On the positive side of things, she has been as supportive and present as her schedule has allowed her to be, and I do appreciate it a lot. Maybe I need to look at this all in a different light. I don’t want to treat her unfairly solely because my feelings are hurt. Something to explore further, I suppose.

Work Life: The GM at the restaurant quit recently, which opens up an opportunity for me to step in. All of my coworkers have asked me to take the position but I keep wondering if it’s something I want. Do I really need to tack on more responsibilities? I already do most of the work that she was supposed to be doing. Do I want to involve myself even more in the restaurant than I already am? I answer my phone 24/7 regardless of how determined I am to ignore work calls on my days off. Do I want to commit to another year at the same job? Am I settling? Am I constantly fighting the urge to just quit because I’m afraid of more responsibility? The owners return from their vacation this weekend, and we have a meeting scheduled for Tuesday… Guess I will have to decide how I feel about all this by then.

Love Life: I want to ask NB what the fuck he is going to do about all of this. I want to be able to make a plan for the next 6-12 months. I want to know if I’m beating a dead horse. Everyday I feel him opening up to the possibility of a future with me, but I don’t know if that’s false hope seducing me into complacency. Submitting to the situation. Saying something is changing even though we’re doing the same song and dance that we have been for some time now. Will he ever make a decision? I do know that it isn’t an easy one. I do know that if we decide to embark on this journey together, it will be no cake walk. We are in for a few years of rough waters. I have made my peace with that reality, because we are worth it. He is worth it. I keep telling myself I’ll stop waiting, but find myself doing it anyway. I’m not happy in limbo with him, but the future we could have is absolutely too wonderful and authentic to give up just because I’m being impatient. Uprooting his family is not something either of us desire to do, but being together means some tough choices have to be made. The quote that keeps resonating with me about this particular situation is ‘I don’t understand how you can be so worried about what might happen, when what might not happen, is so much worse’.
 
General: I feel a deep sense of unrest, clearly. There are plenty of things I could be doing around the house to alleviate some of this anxiety, but instead I’m sitting on my couch jittery from too much coffee and beating myself up for not having more to do. What a stupid cycle. I spent hours this week looking at the homepage for the Vancouver Agnostic AA. I saved both the locations, meeting times, etc. and yet I didn’t go. Guess it’s something I have to work up to. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. My immediate friend circle (including Roomie and NB) is leaving for the weekend. I’m stuck with my work week beginning tomorrow, and two adorable (and insanely annoying) 10 week old kittens. I don’t know how to stop feeling so muddled. I want to write but I don’t know where to start. I want to read but I can’t maintain concentration. I want to run but the thought of lacing up my runners is exhausting. I feel left behind, and this isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this. I can’t even get into a TV show, let alone sit down and watch a movie. So frustrated. So tired. So antsy. So few distractions. My head has been aching since I woke up and I feel drained, again. I guess the good news is, I don’t feel like drinking. I’m enjoying a cucumber mint sparkling lemonade which is quenching any thirst I could have. I wonder if this persistent low has anything to do with PAWS. I’ve felt out-of-body for the past 10 days, at the very least. I sincerely hope it goes away soon, whatever it may be. Guess I’ll just hope for the temporary insanity I’m feeling to disappear. Ack.