I’ve been in a bit of a funk this past little while. I know that breaking from my routine makes me feel like shit, yet I couldn’t motivate myself for a couple days and voila- that’s all it takes to backslide into a depression pit. In order to pull myself out of this rut I have to force myself to do the things that make me feel better. This is no easy feat. Try making yourself a nutritious dinner when you could literally eat the pizza that’s sitting in front of you (having a roommate is a blessing and a curse). Try waking up at 430 to do yoga before work when you could easily just sleep until your alarm yells at you. Try meditating when you get big and possibly important news and your brain is firing 5000 times faster than it usually does. Man, I suppose this is the shit that everyone talks about. Doing the work when it’s the hardest.
This rut that I’m in may have to do with the plethora of noise in my personal life, or it could just be me losing steam in my high-energy days of late, but either way, it’s time to get back to it. I’ve been feeling off-centre because NB decided that it would be okay to drive by the restaurant a whole lot since the beginning of January. It bothered me quite a bit but I tried my very best to take it in stride and brush it off. It happened when I was at work on one of my usual days off. I told myself it was a coincidence and to let it go. Then it started happening on the days I’ve ALWAYS worked. Right around closing time. When he knows I’ll be there. He did it last week, coming towards the restaurant with his window down. Face to face. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I started to shake, feel weak. I got angry. I was visibly hurting. A friend of ours was in the restaurant while I was locking up, as he always is on Tuesdays, and he saw him too. I tried my best to hold it together but I couldn’t help it, I started to rage about the nerve it takes to do that to me. How cruel and inconsiderate. It wasn’t enough to abandon me, now he’s going to rub our proximity in my face? Show me that he could very well still be in my life but instead is dancing on the outside of it? What a flat out mean thing to do. I went on for a long time, crying and shaking my fist. I felt silly but I couldn’t help it. These things claw at me until I give in to them.
Anyways, as I had every other time this happened, I contemplated sending him and his partner a message. The only difference this time around was that I sent it. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say. I edited it probably 5 times. I waited until the next day to send it, you know, to ‘sleep on it’. I don’t regret it. I felt freer than I have all year. Instead of going with ‘MY DAD IS DYING, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. STOP TORMENTING ME’, I went with a cooler, calmer approach that asked him to take another route to wherever he is going. He and I both know there is absolutely zero reason to drive by my restaurant, nothing in that block could be one of his destinations, so he’s passively just trying to insert himself in my periphery. Which is infuriating and cowardly. Ugh.
Anyway, two days after I sent the message a mutual friend of ours came to visit and crashed on my couch. He dropped some news on me about NB that I wasn’t anticipating and I’m uncertain how to feel about it. Apparently he took off that day, in a motor home, by himself. Driving somewhere far away to get in touch with himself? Our mutual friend, S, has always been clear that he will not pick sides and wants to remain friends with all of us. Because of his willingness to stick around, I don’t ply him for information about NB, nor do I ask for tidbits (even on the days I desperately want to). He offered this as response to me admitting my anger and frustration re: the drive-bys. Again, I don’t know what to say or how to feel, or the context of him taking off. It could mean something, it could mean nothing. I resisted the urge to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes (it’s been over 6 months since I’ve had one).
I went back to work the next day, glad to have caught up with some friends that Friday night, and this time I received news from my family. My uncle had died over night. My Dad’s brother. He had cancer. They were estranged from years of family drama. I always liked him. He had a wicked sense of humour and a soft spot for me. I’m sad I didn’t get to see him. My dad is barely out of another round of chemo and his mother (my Nan) is devastated that she’s lost her oldest son. She does not yet know that my father is sick. He thinks it would kill her, she’s 94. It’s a fair concern, but she’s a tough lady. I hate lying to her. I hate lying in general. I’ve been avoiding speaking to her because of this. I can’t get it off my mind.
The rest of the week passed in a blur.
Yesterday was my Saturday and all I wanted to do was take it easy. But instead of dicking around in the void (my brain) I ran all my errands. I went to get my license renewed, picked up groceries, dropped off dry cleaning, and bought some books/organized them into my bookshelves (alphabetically, cause that’s how I roll). I did still manage to get caught in my head a few times, but whatever, nobody’s perfect! I woke up this morning and did yoga, made my smoothie, took my supplements, ate breakfast. I’m already starting feel back to myself. I have therapy at 1 which means I will be forced to unload the weight I’m carrying and hopefully create a positive outlet for whatever the hell is going on inside me. I am hopeful that March will bring good news even if there’s more bad alongside it. I just need something to remind me that I can handle whatever is coming.
So there it is; my 2018 thus far. Kind of dark and kind of light. I’m still here and I’m still sober, 10 months next week! That’s the most important thing. I’ve overhauled my life and my brain and hopefully sometime soon I’ll be able to do the same for my heart.