What Is Left To Do.

It’s my Sunday. It’s overcast and spitting rain which means I won’t be able to zone out at the park today. I have little errands to run and some house stuff to attend to but it’s been a productive weekend for me so I’m procrastinating a bit. I went and got a physical yesterday, glad it’s done with. It was uncomfortable but quick, as they usually are. In-and-out in 10 minutes (hardy-har). I’d like to meet someone who really enjoys being probed by a stranger… Anyway!

I sent NB a message the other night before bed, after debating for some time whether I needed to or not. Turns out I felt the need to apologize for how things ended and to clarify a couple of things about our final conversation. I feel like it was the right call. Perhaps I was apologizing on behalf of him, knowing I won’t ever get the apology I feel I deserve. I’m creating my own closure here. Whether he responds or not is irrelevant, I said what I had to. I meticulously thought out what exactly I was feeling and pressed send once I knew I didn’t have ulterior motives in doing so. So here we are, over two weeks without communication at all. The days are passing painfully slow. I feel different than I did in the first week. I’m exhausted. And the sadness is now coming in waves. I crave even more alone time, and I’m sensitive to every kind of stimulus around me. I guess this is normal for a break up? I’m getting smacked with insignificant memories which hurt regardless of how ridiculous/unimportant they were. Swallowing how much I miss him is no easy feat. I feel like I’m drinking poison.

All that is left to do is start moving on, I suppose. Is progress measurable when it comes to break ups? I don’t feel like I’m making any. I’m still in shock. I’m still angry. I’m still wondering how I will ever get close to another person in that way. I’m not going to go on dating sites. I’m not going to be able to have rebound sex. I just won’t. I know myself. I can’t drink this away. I can’t fuck this away. I can’t work this away. I just have to feel it, I guess? How long is it going to hurt like this? How many more hours do I have to jolt myself back to reality and remind myself he isn’t coming back?

In other news, I’m booking my flights back to Onterrible for the holidays. I’m being forced to visit, as my sister is having a baby in October and apparently family members are supposed to care about that sort of thing. Last trip home I took was an awful time, so I’m hellbent on making this one better. I won’t be staying with my parents, which was part of the reason everything went to shit during my previous visit, and I’ll be sober! I hope the sobriety makes dealing with my insane mother a bit more manageable (although intuition tells me the opposite).

Speaking of sobriety, July 25th is my 3 month mark. Feels like it’s been years.

39 Days Sober! Ranting and Rambling.

The breakdown of my annoyances/anxieties/general ramblings are as follows,

Home Life: Roomie said something that really irked me about an hour ago while we were outside having a cigarette. She is having a similar kind of day and she is contemplating her future with work/love/Vancouver. She wants to move back to Ontario (which is where we left 3 years ago). I don’t know why it made me so annoyed. What, she wants to split up the cats? She wants to leave her best friend 4000km across the country? She thinks the grass is somehow greener over there? This is all probably because of the left behind feeling, right? Everyone is making plans without me. As they should, because people’s lives exist outside of me!! But here I am acting like a baby about it. Woe is me. Blahblahblah. On the positive side of things, she has been as supportive and present as her schedule has allowed her to be, and I do appreciate it a lot. Maybe I need to look at this all in a different light. I don’t want to treat her unfairly solely because my feelings are hurt. Something to explore further, I suppose.

Work Life: The GM at the restaurant quit recently, which opens up an opportunity for me to step in. All of my coworkers have asked me to take the position but I keep wondering if it’s something I want. Do I really need to tack on more responsibilities? I already do most of the work that she was supposed to be doing. Do I want to involve myself even more in the restaurant than I already am? I answer my phone 24/7 regardless of how determined I am to ignore work calls on my days off. Do I want to commit to another year at the same job? Am I settling? Am I constantly fighting the urge to just quit because I’m afraid of more responsibility? The owners return from their vacation this weekend, and we have a meeting scheduled for Tuesday… Guess I will have to decide how I feel about all this by then.

Love Life: I want to ask NB what the fuck he is going to do about all of this. I want to be able to make a plan for the next 6-12 months. I want to know if I’m beating a dead horse. Everyday I feel him opening up to the possibility of a future with me, but I don’t know if that’s false hope seducing me into complacency. Submitting to the situation. Saying something is changing even though we’re doing the same song and dance that we have been for some time now. Will he ever make a decision? I do know that it isn’t an easy one. I do know that if we decide to embark on this journey together, it will be no cake walk. We are in for a few years of rough waters. I have made my peace with that reality, because we are worth it. He is worth it. I keep telling myself I’ll stop waiting, but find myself doing it anyway. I’m not happy in limbo with him, but the future we could have is absolutely too wonderful and authentic to give up just because I’m being impatient. Uprooting his family is not something either of us desire to do, but being together means some tough choices have to be made. The quote that keeps resonating with me about this particular situation is ‘I don’t understand how you can be so worried about what might happen, when what might not happen, is so much worse’.
General: I feel a deep sense of unrest, clearly. There are plenty of things I could be doing around the house to alleviate some of this anxiety, but instead I’m sitting on my couch jittery from too much coffee and beating myself up for not having more to do. What a stupid cycle. I spent hours this week looking at the homepage for the Vancouver Agnostic AA. I saved both the locations, meeting times, etc. and yet I didn’t go. Guess it’s something I have to work up to. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. My immediate friend circle (including Roomie and NB) is leaving for the weekend. I’m stuck with my work week beginning tomorrow, and two adorable (and insanely annoying) 10 week old kittens. I don’t know how to stop feeling so muddled. I want to write but I don’t know where to start. I want to read but I can’t maintain concentration. I want to run but the thought of lacing up my runners is exhausting. I feel left behind, and this isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this. I can’t even get into a TV show, let alone sit down and watch a movie. So frustrated. So tired. So antsy. So few distractions. My head has been aching since I woke up and I feel drained, again. I guess the good news is, I don’t feel like drinking. I’m enjoying a cucumber mint sparkling lemonade which is quenching any thirst I could have. I wonder if this persistent low has anything to do with PAWS. I’ve felt out-of-body for the past 10 days, at the very least. I sincerely hope it goes away soon, whatever it may be. Guess I’ll just hope for the temporary insanity I’m feeling to disappear. Ack.

Procrastination Police

Written on May 11, 2017

Humans have an arsenal of excuses and justifications for putting things off. It could be that we’re too busy, too tired or too whatever. But we find reasons to not do something or leave it to be dealt with when it’s appropriate. The ultimate lie we repeat to ourselves and those around us is that “it’s not the right time” or “I don’t have the time”. It could be something small; personally I am fond of this excuse for doing my taxes, going to get groceries, going to the dentist, and calling my mom and dad. it could also be something with larger consequences; leaving your marriage, having a child, moving, changing your career, and in my case- quitting drinking. Whatever the task is at hand, we will find a way to avoid it until we absolutely cannot anymore. And this is where I found myself, I left my drinking problem until it could not be put off any longer. Everyday I’m dusting off something that led to my descent into drunkenness. Honestly, I’ve left plenty of other problems to fester until they start to fuck with me. When we do this, our shit has a tendency to rear it’s ugly head at the most inopportune times.

Case and point from my repertoire of personal shit: denying intense romantic feelings for a close friend while trying to reconcile with my ex. Cut to a few minutes in to make up sex, the emotional dam releases and suddenly a seemingly joyous moment is marred by gut-wrenching sobs and the realization that hope for this rekindled relationship has abruptly died because of unresolved/unexplored feelings for the other man. Yep, crying during sex. That was a first for me, albeit a relatively mild case of avoided troubles haunting yours truly. Had I just been honest initially with myself, my boyfriend, and maybe the other man too; I would have been sad and it would have been extremely uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t have hurt myself (or him) the way that I did. Had I said to myself 6 months earlier, ‘cut the shit, girl, we both know this isn’t just a crush’ I could have skipped over the cringe-worthy sex experience, too. Despite what I used to tell myself (and continually joke with Roomie about), nobody wants to fuck a sad girl.

I’ve struggled with procrastination for as long as I can remember but as I become increasingly clear-headed in sobriety, I see the flaw in this mechanism. Sure, shit is tedious and can be downright awful to handle sometimes (maybe even all the time) but that doesn’t mean we get to take a pass on it. Distractions can be just as detrimental as those lovable numbing agents! It damages us to pretend that our problems aren’t big enough to deal with à la minute. How can we start to build ourselves back up after a painful or changing experience/traumatic event if we shove the entire thing into a dusty corner ne’er to be seen again? Even worse, we convince ourselves it’s not a problem and we don’t ruminate on it longer than 30 seconds, only to be blindsided by it on some random afternoon 2 years later.

The unfortunate truth is that there’s no commitment in saying “I’ll deal with it later/when I have to”. Sometimes it’s necessary, of course, to put things off for a bit, but there should be a timeframe in mind. We say “I’ll get to it eventually” all the while hoping that it wraps itself up neatly in the meantime. So we don’t ever have to actually do the thing! All of this boils down to our fear/disgust/distaste for cleaning out the attic, the ignored parts of our psyche. Well, to that I say tough fucking tits! Nobody likes dealing with the painful shit, but nobody gets to run away from it either. When I think back to the rare time I appropriately handled an issue, I remember how well I slept the night of. I remember having so much more space in my heart and head for new things (sometimes new problems, too). So that’s how I remind myself when things get ugly and I want to burrito in bed forever. I remember how fucking good it feels to work through something diligently, so it can never come back to kill me one day.

Let’s be real, I can’t be the only one who craves the relief that comes once we cross something off of our infinite to-do list. In thinking about all this over the past few weeks, I’ve decided to make a deal with myself to take accountability and stop avoiding the big shit. The uncomfortable shit. The inconvenient shit. It’s time for me to start checking off the boxes. It’s a bit of an endeavour to be sure, but worthwhile ultimately to be able to sigh once I have put things in their respective places and moved the fuck on from them! Same goes for the accumulated clutter/big to-dos in our houses, cars, work places, actual attics. Lay it all out in the open, work through the complicated parts. Then box up the rest and put it where it belongs. Garbage or storage. No more crap or parts of our sanity living in limbo. If the task seems too great, remember you can (and should) take it one thing at a time and one day at a time. Go easy on yourself, take it slow, and pat yourself on the back every inch of progress that you make. If this emotionally crippled recovering drunk can do it, so can you.

And with that I’m off to get my taxes dealt with, make a grocery list, and book a dentist appointment. I’ll leave calling mom and dad to another day, as I’m only so brave. One thing at a time.